#proudtolove

Four years ago and three months ago, I came out of the proverbial closet. I was sick and tired of holding myself back. Keeping my true self from showing my true colors. And not allowing me to be myself.

Back in sixth grade I noticed something different about myself. I was finding myself more attracted to some male classmates. I wasnt sure why I was finding myself attracted to them. All I knew was I was supposed to like girls, not boys. So played the normal game to maintain the status quo. I told myself I was supposed to like girls.

Back in the the first quarter of sixth grade I got my first note from a girl. Her name was Heather. She pretty much through it at me while I was standing at my locker. I had no idea what was going on. Then one day I found a box at the foot of my locker. In it was a ceramic heart shaped container with a neck lace made of cement nails and leather in a cross shape, and some other things. We passed notes back and forth for the first half of the year. Then I switched to a different area for the second half, and we stopped talking.

I dont recall having feelings for Heather. I remember liking her as a friend, but nothing more. Later on that year, while I was trying to go for girls, as I was told I was supposed to like, I noticed a classmate that was 2 grades ahead of me. His name was Casey. I remember being attracted to him. He was good looking, and had a good sense of humor, and all around good guy. Then, while in gym I found myself noticing my male classmates. Like their legs, and chest.

Fast forward about 2 years. Once again in gym class, I used to skip showers and hurry to change just so I could pay attention to some of my classmates. Like, one time back in ninth grade. we had just go done swimming. I was changing, and I looked over to watch some class mates fooling around and towel whipping each other. I remember turning around to see what was up and seen a class mates penis peep out of his boxers. I also made up an excuse to watch some change. Ooohhhh. lol

Regardless the fact I was finding myself more and more attracted to men, I was pursuing girls. I was calling every girl girl friend, and trying to get a girlfriend. Mostly because I was unsure of who I was. I would semi-actively pursue these girls while lusting over their gorgeous boyfriends. I was confused. It was about this time when I got my first computer, and internet access. I was surfing gay chat rooms, viewing gay pictures, and other stuff. I knew something was up, but I either didn't know, or I was just to scared to be bullied more than I already was. Seemed like keeping it all to myself was the best route; but thats another blog.

So I, being confused and unsure about myself, met this amazing woman, Holly. She was the most amazing thing I have ever met. She was kind, caring, and smart. She had everything going for her. We met in the summer of 2006. She was working at Cenex, and I at Subway. We seen each other for a couple weeks, and we moved in together. We started going out, and then moved to the same bed room. We never kissed, or had sex. I just didn't have the attraction to her. It was also about this time I discovered gay porn, which I kept hidden away. I didn't want to break her heart, so instead of telling her, I hid it.

We dated, and slept together for 2 years. I had just bought a house, we were talking marriage, amongst other things. One night, I had come home from work. My secret was out. For the third time. There wasnt anyway of getting out of this one. That day was the worst day of my life. I turned into a monster. I did things to her, said things to her that I never thought I would say or do to anyone. I even became violent and injured her. I was so sad to lose the one person I loved, more than anything in the world, I snapped. That week, between the break up, and the final good bye was nasty. By the final day, I had the police department at the house because I didn't feel comfortable with her brother being there. At the end of the day, we had made up, apologies were given and we didn't hate each other anymore.

Six months later I was laid off from the manufacturing job I was at. I quickly found a new job, thanks to my best friend. I was fired two months later. I spent that whole week at the bar. I was so depressed, I didnt know what to do. It was then in a drunk rage I came out of the closet to all my friends on facebook. I also texted my mother, about it. She said she had already known.

The next summer I met Aaron. He initially came off as a homophobe, but then found out he liked me. We talked back and fourth. We wanted to do things together, but he always had to bring a girl with. One night we were drunk and sad, we went to Walmart to get some essentials, and fooled around. I remember that night vividly. It was the first night I ever done anything with anyone, even making out... He was too busy texting girls to focus on me, so I gave up. A couple months went by and he made his departure from my life.

I have been single since....

This was my story about finding myself. Because of all this I am proud to say I am #proudtoloveboys!! :)